Happy Days.

I am free! The torment of being occupied with appearance 24/7 and always feeling like a turd is over! I am able to think of something else for a change! (Three sentences in a row all ending with exclamation marks is a clear indication of my overwhelming joy).

When you feel awful you always notice how good everybody else looks, but if you feel good about yourself you can focus on more important stuff- like getting through half a dozen other make or break projects for this term!

I wish I could say that I have learnt that I don't need all my adornments to feel good, but I can't. I still love clothes, make-up and accessories just as much as before...perhaps even more. The one thing I can say though is that I accepted this challenge and I proved to myself that I could do something that scared me half to death- like the time I went bungy jumping, although this experience lasted longer!

Thanks to everyone who commented on my blog and who supported me through this process.

Lots of love

x

Add colour to a blank canvas.

I have recently toiled with the idea of getting a tattoo (perhaps to stick it to my conservative Afrikaans upbringing), but I am too scared to do it. Not because of the pain or that I will regret it later, but just because I would never be able to decide what symbol/image I would carry with me for the rest of my life. (I can hardly decide what top to wear for the rest of the day.) Earlier this year we did a project where we had to digitally manipulate a photograph and apply a tattoo to our own bodies. This was a great chance to experiment!

I must just add that I think tattoos are an awesome form of expression. Alexandra Howson mentions in The Body in Consumer Culture;

"Societies have developed their own culturally specific ways of reshaping, moulding and marking the human body in order to signal changes in social status....or to demonstrate social value through painting or masking (Falk 1995)."

I feel that getting a tattoo is a form of demonstrating social belonging or status, even if this "belonging" is not to the mainstream mindset. Although some would argue that this is not an attempt to conform but rather an act of rebellion, having a tattoo will give you status amongst non-conformist subcultures. There is a sense of empowerment even if others don't agree with this method of "body marking".

I don't really know where I am going with this. The point I am trying to make is actually quite simple- I view the body as a blank canvas and even though I don't have the guts to add anything permanent to it's surface, I still see my semi-permanent attempts (i.e make-up and clothing) as adding colour to a blank canvas.

Oooh Shiny

So today I walked around town for a bit coveting all things fab and hoping with all my might that I don't bump into anyone from the past. You know how you can't help but compare a person to the last time you saw them? When woman bump into each other the first comment is usually..."wow, look at you" (even when they don't mean it). I hate these encounters and especially on a day where I don't feel good about myself, I always hope to avoid people I haven't seen in a while.

Well I'm definitely going to celebrate the end of my dreariness with a little trip to consumer central aka Canal walk. Oh how I so willing get sucked into the "Magic of the Mall" (Goss 1993). "Take me I'm yours!" I say. I long to look and feel amazing again!

Bleh. Flipen Bleh.

For some bizarre reason me and half the people I spoke to today have this funny bug that makes you feel lethargic and flippen bleh. (for lack of a better word).

So look, I'm already so over this lack of cheer in my dress, to be sick on top of it all is no choc chip cookie on a rainy day. Perhaps this is a physical manifestation of the morbidness of my outer appearance...hmmm....how would I explain this to my doctor?..."so I think my clothes have a vendetta against me and this dreary outfit is making me feel ill". Well I might end up in a white room with a two way mirror at this rate.

My words are but a trickle...the torrent of expression has run dry and I am counting down the days to emotional and physical well being!

Crimson crutches

So red is my favourite colour by far and the combination of red and black together is perfection. I have not worn red this entire project and it's getting to me in a big way. I feel like I am literally having withdrawal symptoms and I am not one for delayed gratification so this is bloody hard. I went on to a colour therapy website and this is what they had to say about red.

"Red is a powerful colour that has always been associated with vitality and ambition. It can help overcome negative thoughts".[http://geocities.com/iiii_velvet_underground_iiii/COLOURTHERAPY.html]

Well I need my red back thank you very much. I usually wear it as an accent colour because black is simply the most beautiful canvas to work on. Below is my collection of red accessories and I'm wondering if one can ever have too many red belts? Nah.

It's going to be 20/20 hindsight isn't it.

So another day of bitch and moan because I feel dull and boring and would like to bite a sizeable piece off my wrist and chew on it a bit. I was telling my good friend Michelle today that I wish I could say I feel transformed and liberated by this experience but actually it's a pain in my ass. Just being honest here. There are aspects about this brief that I love. It's real. You cant procrastinate till the night before and you read the texts in a different light because they become part of your self analysis. (Thanks Franci for giving us an interesting challenge)...But, I still long to be reunited with my wardrobe and "find myself" again. I am still just as dependant on adornments and my All Stars as I was before, but I suppose the liberation is in the ability to persevere and do something that scares the shit out of you.

Well, I just rubbed my eyes and realised that I couldn't do that before unless I wanted my perfectly applied eyeliner and double layer mascara somewhere in the vicinity of my cheek bones. Hmmm....I might miss some things about my "plain Jane" experience once it's all over.

(Insert amazing academic reference here)

(Forgive the lack thereof right about here)

Enslaved after all.

I realised something today that makes me cringe inside. I've always considered myself to be only "mildly" influenced by fashion trends and what the fab celebs pick out for the red carpet. Priding myself on the fact that I am not oblivious to their power but also not a slave to the fashion industry.

But...

I came to the conclusion that if for some unfortunate reason I was stranded on a deserted island for a year and I was then reintroduced into society, there are two things that I would do:

Buy a newspaper

and a glossy fashion magazine.

I would think twice before putting on my skinny jeans from a few seasons back, in case the world had moved on from them and I ended up looking like an idiot. If suddenly wrapping yourself in cling film was in...I would probably consider it. I say I express my personality in my dress but all I'm actually doing is interpreting a set of fashion standards and calling it "my style". I abide by their laws and I frown upon those who disregard them. Basically what I'm saying is, I don't have a style, something that lives with me and becomes a part of me. I am in the hands of the fashion gods and they can do with me as they please.

"...the dressed body is a product of culture, the outcome of social forces pressing on the body." (Entwistle 2000)

These social forces I perceive as fashion trends and the way our peers and icons interpret them. I've never considered myself to be a fashion slave, but if I am not free to ignore fashion trends then I can only come up with one other conclusion...I am enslaved after all.

The "Perlemoen" thief lives on in his suit.

My copy navigator at Vega told me that he was given a wetsuit that was left at the scene where an abalone thief dropped it moments before he was caught. Even though I am assuming that the wetsuit was in a perfectly acceptable condition, he is unable to wear it because it is "creepy". This is a clear illustration of the relationship between garment and owner. It is like an "inter-soul" exchange happens. As Wilson (1985:1) puts it:

"...we experience a sense of the uncanny when we gaze at garments that had an intimate relationship with human beings...For clothes are so much a part of our living, moving selves."

If there is such a connection between clothes and human beings then aborting my style and adopting a new look is creating a very real emotional confusion as this loss is felt.

Van die plaas af.

I missed a day of blogging yesterday. (It was bound to happen). I did however physically continue with the humiliation and one particular event is still fresh in my mind. So here goes...

Yesterday I decided to try another combination I always cringe at...wearing socks and slops together. (Nooooooooo!) It's against the law people! I don't care that it's comfortable...you look ridiculous! So, there I was in a respectable coffee shop in Green Point wearing an over sized shirt and my "plakkies en kouse". I did get "the look". It made me feel very uncomfortable and I felt like I was being disrespectful to the establishment.

I came accross an image consultancy website with the following information

How you see yourself plays a large role in determining how others see you, There are, however two sides to this mirror,. True, If we see ourselves as people of some value and worth, we will dress, walk and act the part.[Improved Self Image: Dress, Walk And Act The Part. Available from: www.cbn.co.za(10/10/2009)]

Perhaps then it’s not the issue of how others see me, but rather how others might think I see myself that has scared me so much during this project. If I don't take myself seriously as a creative, why should anyone else?

So today I went for coffee with Briony and Claire and I went for lunch with Hein. I noticed that I only felt uncomfortable when my gaze met another woman's. It is true, woman dress for other woman. Guys usually don't care or don't notice the things we fret about. Woman on the other hand are hyper aware and super judgemental of other women's outfits. (Forgive the generalisation).

So today's outfit was all plain black except for my very white

tekkies. (They really stood out against the black.) Yeah, again it was awkward at times but I'm kinda getting used to the feeling...

Meet Larry

So I have been fortunate enough to generally have clear skin, but trust Murphy do dish me a whopper on my cheek with a life and IQ of it's own ( I named him Larry)during this fragile time of facial nudity...

Today I had a meeting where I had to discuss creative concepts with our principle. Under normal circumstances I would creatively "power dress". You know, not a corporate vibe but rather an outfit that makes me feel confident. There was none of that. I was in such a foul mood before the meeting and I think the way I looked and felt had a lot to do with it. (Sorry all who got the brunt of my mood.)

Some people told me that I look better without make-up. I honestly, from the bottom of my heart believe that they are just saying that. Come on...seriously?

Today was better...I must be doing something wrong.

....and here's what. I didn't tie my hair back in a "face revealing" ponytail, but rather let the locks give me some covering. I still didn't straighten my hair but I felt less exposed. (I might also have put a little bit of foundation on to hide some blemishes...cheater!) Yesterday was just so awful that I couldn't face another day feeling like that. I need to pace myself. It's two weeks after all so I'm easing into the transition. I bought two very unflattering bland t-shirts today from none other but Pep. Ryan Rapperport commented that I look like shit today...great!- That's just the look I'm going for!

If only life was Macintosh I could Photoshop my face.

Before and after

So here are two pics to illustrate the change. The bottom pic is me on my way out on Saturday night and at the top is what I looked like this morning before I left the house. (please take note of the middle parting ;)

Sumo wrestler on my chest.

Today was much harder than I ever imagined. I felt like a little sumo wrestler was sitting on my chest, or in plain English...I was so down, burdened, depressed etc. I felt hideous. My self confidence was shot and I didn't feel like doing anything creative. I was also strangely fidgety; I kept tugging at my shirt and I felt like I was acting quite awkward. The people close to me immediately noticed the change. One comment was "what happened to you today?". Some people commented that I look really young without make up on. This was an insecurity of mine when I was working as a manager at a company in Plett. I felt like people wouldn't take me seriously because I looked like a kid. I can't believe how much of my confidence is based on my outward appearance. I believe that your style is an extension of your personality just as Quentin Bell (1976:19) puts it:

Our clothes are too much a part of us for most of us to be entirely indifferent to their condition. It is as though the fabric were indeed a natural extension of the body or even the soul".

Perhaps the next two weeks will challenge this belief but right now I just want to feel like myself again.

The face of Kelso

So after doing some more self analysis I have realized that my insecurities are more complex than just looking "presentable". As I am labelled as a "creative" I feel I should look creative. When I get stuck in a wardrobe rut and I don't "look the part" I feel like a creative imposter and I become less confident about my creative ability. Logically I can see how this is somewhat ridiculous, but I find myself constantly linking dress to creativity.

I fear the label "plain Jane". I don't ever want to be a purely "practical dresser" that only stocks up on the basics that supposedly "never go out of fashion". That being said, I still like to be comfortable in what I wear, but I definitely take a minute in the morning to "put myself together". (this is an insight pointed out by my dear friend Claire Hirsch) I feel a great outfit improves my mood dramatically and makes me feel like I can do this whole advertising thing.

Now this brings me to a slightly adjusted challenge for the next two weeks. I will become what I can only describe as "the face of Kelso" (you know that Edgars brand that always stocks the jeans our moms wear and are eternally faithful to the boring "classics") I will become Plain Jane who never does anything to express herself with her clothing. I will also fall into the trap of wearing "the tekkie with the jean pant" UGH. I would usually never be seen dead in trainers and jeans. I strongly believe that athletic shoes are purely for going to the gym, hiking etc.

This will be an interesting two weeks. Shit.

It's feels like....

Today I got told that for two weeks (starting on the 5th of October) I will have to face my insecurities and physically do something (or not do something) to my appearance that makes me uncomfortable in my own skin. It feels like that dream where you suddenly realize you are naked in public except that you don't get to wake up and know it was all a dream.

Since I can remember it has always been very important to me to look "presentable". Even when I see a photo on Facebook of a woman holding her newborn baby in her arms after labour, my first thought is not "oh what a bundle of joy" but rather "man she looks like shit". I can imagine myself one day whipping out my emergency make up kit with one hand while cutting the umbilical cord with the other.

So basically for two weeks I will challenge my concept of what is "presentable". This means going to varsity in clothes I might as well go jogging in and giving my beloved make up essentials a rest.

If I die doing this project, please make sure I have an open casket and that I'm wearing the new Bodyshop bronzer I bought the other day and pretty much any item of clothing from JayJays. Then I will surely rest in peace...